From “Me” to “We”

Learning to talk about money as a couple.

Spring is around the corner and love is in the air. For a lot of people, romance means pink hearts and chocolate. But if you’re ready to get serious about your relationship, you might be thinking in terms of choosing a partner whose values align with yours. And in that way, nothing can be more romantic—or important—than talking about finances.

Why Talk About Money?

In our society, it’s easy to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about money. But money affects nearly every aspect of your life, and it only gets more complicated when you’re sharing that life with someone else.

Financial issues are a leading cause of divorce, either as the primary issue or as an underlying problem. You want to think about financial compatibility sooner rather than later, especially if you’re starting to think about marriage and long-term partnership with this person.

Dating is all about getting to know the other person while better understanding yourself. It’s about learning more about them and seeing where your dreams, goals, habits, values, and expectations align. That’s the fun, exciting part of getting to know someone, and talking about money is just one part of it.

How Do You Start?

Money talks don’t have to be big, intimidating sit-down discussions. In fact, it’s probably best to start without talking at all. Instead, simply pay attention and be observant. You can learn a lot about how someone feels about money just by watching how they spend and what they spend on. Are they generous? Impulsive? Do they prefer to spend on experiences or tangible items?

At the same time, you’ll want to be self-aware of your own money habits:

• Do you keep a budget or track your spending?
• Do you tend to be a spender or a saver?
• Do you practice generosity?

It’s easy to assume that the way your family handled money growing up was “normal” and be surprised or even shocked by different approaches. But if you keep an open mind, you may find financial habits and philosophies that are totally different and better than what you’re used to.

On the other hand, you may find that you have some strong preferences and deal-breakers. If you know you can’t imagine being with someone who spends a certain way or has certain financial priorities, you save yourself a lot of heartache by not getting serious with someone whose values don’t line up with yours.

Take Them on a Money Date

Beyond simply observing how people spend, you can also ask questions. These don’t have to be deeply probing personal questions about income and budgets, at least not until you’re ready to combine finances. But during the “getting to know you” phase of dating, there are some fun thought-provoking questions you can ask, like:

• What was your first money memory?
• What do you like or dislike about the way money was treated in your household growing up?
• Are you primarily a giver, a saver, or a spender?
• If someone looked at your bank statements, what would seem most important to you based on what you spend?

You can offer up your own story first as a way to warm them up and get conversation flowing. Remember, the goal isn’t to interrogate them about their spending. It’s to get to know them better, and share your own perspective, so you can test compatibility.

Ideally, talking about finances becomes part of your regular communication with a partner. We even recommend that married couples go on a “money date” from time to time to be sure they stay on the same page and remain focused on their shared values.

Be sure to check out our Marriage & Money article for more relationship tips and a worksheet with great thought-starter questions about financial goals. And, if you haven’t already, explore some of our other Money 101 topics for more practical tips.

This material is for informational purposes only and does not constitute financial, investment, or legal advice. Please consult a qualified financial professional before making financial decisions based on your individual circumstances.